You're an old, white, male, inarticulate, corporate Democrat. How the hell do you run for President as a young, eloquent, progressive black woman?

This would never actually happen in real life, but let's say for the sake of argument that you're a 76-year-old white guy who has been around since the beginning of time. You held elected office for 46 years. You ran two spectacularly disastrous campaigns for President made notable by their brevity and startlingly incoherent babbling on the stump. You're identified with the Democratic Party run by large corporate donors. And you've got some dark things in your past. You spent weeks on national television abusing an African-American woman who dared to accuse a Supreme Court nominee of harassment. You supported forced school integration in the South but opposed it in the north. And you championed policies that led to the mass incarceration of black males.

You decide to run for President in a year when a new breed of progressives who refuse corporate donations has brought new energy to your party and when women and people of color are achieving unprecedented success in politics. You're facing a multitude of talented opponents. Most of them are aggressive progressives. Nearly all are decades younger. Several are women. Many are people of color.

What to do to make headway against this kind of tough current?

The situation calls for something bold and different. What about the classic Trojan horse ploy? It worked for Odysseus, your best pal back in prep school. Cast yourself in an altered form in order to slip through the 2020 gates. The killer move, obviously, would be to recruit a human shield in the form of a young, dynamic, brilliant, progressive, eloquent, African-American woman!

You only have to get past one little problem in order to pull off this brilliant con: convincing such a person that this would be the smart move for her.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/dont-do-it-stacey-abrams/2019/03/21/c79ff332-4bff-11e9-b79a-961983b7e0cd_story.ht

The shallow state

Trumpworld is a reality that is tough to comprehend for those of us who born before last year. It helps if we understand the science behind this new order instead of react emotionally. The physics that drive Trumpworld were put in motion by an explosion last January (popularly known as the "Big Blunder") that created a universe designed not to expand over eons but to quickly destroy itself.

This fundamental Death Force, administered by a "shallow state" of Trumpist bureacrats, explains why every bad thing in Trumpworld is self inflicted and why "truth" and "logic" are irrelevant in it. Just this week there have been some excellent examples of this.

A book is published by a well-known incendiary journalist who was allowed to set up shop in the White House. The book claims that the Oval Office is a completely chaotic and incompetent place. The Trumpian shallow state vigorously attacks the book, which makes it an instant blockbuster and also proves the point that only a chaotic and incompetent administration would allow a well-known incendiary journalist to set up shop in the White House.

Said book includes hair-raising testaments from the White House staff that Trump has the mind of a child and is mentally unfit to be President. Trump responds by releasing childlike, unhinged tweets claiming that "I am like really smart," "I went to the best colleges," and "I am a stable genius."

Methodical, close analysis of the actions of the shallow state will deliver daily--if not hourly--proof that Trumpworld is hurtling toward its own demise.

It's not a witch hunt if the republicans are running it

Fox News and Congressional Republicans are making an aggressive case that the special prosecutor’s investigation into the Trump campaign and Russian interference in the election is a completely biased witch hunt run by the Democrats.

I was initially skeptical of this claim, but after looking into it there is no longer any doubt in my mind that the Russian investigation is nothing but a carefully orchestrated Democratic smear campaign. Don’t believe me? Just look at the following facts and timeline:

The Republican head of a special House committee spends 28 straight months conducting multiple investigations into Hillary Clinton’s actions in the Benghazi incident. No charges are filed.

The Republican head of the FBI leads an investigation into claims that Clinton improperly stored and transmitted information on a personal email server and decides that no charges are warranted.

The Republican head of the FBI launches an investigation into whether Russian operatives colluded with the Republican presidential campaign to influence the upcoming election.

The Republican former director of intelligence, who is secretly meeting with Russians, appears at the Republican national convention and leads the Republican delegates in chants of “lock her up, lock her up.”

The Republican head of the FBI announces just days before the election that the Clinton email investigation is being reopened. No charges are filed, but the news throws the Clinton campaign on the defensive and contributes to a Republican victory.

The newly elected Republican President appoints the Republican former director of intelligence as national security advisor, a Republican former member of his transition team as attorney general, and another Republican as deputy attorney general.

The Republican national security advisor meets with the Russians and discusses the lifting of sanctions.

The new Republican White House counsel is informed by the Justice Department that the Republican national security advisor has lied to the FBI about his contacts with Russians.

Weeks later, news reports appear detailing meetings between the Republican national security advisor had the Russians.

The Republican President fires the Republican national security advisor, saying that he was doing so because the Republican national security advisor had lied to the Republican Vice President.

The Republican attorney general testifies before Congress that he had no contacts with Russians during the campaign. When that statement is proven to be inaccurate, the Republican attorney general amends his testimony and recuses himself from any Russian investigations. This means that the Republican deputy attorney general will direct such investigations going forward.

In testimony to Congress, the Republican head of the FBI reveals that his agency has been investigating Russian interference with the election and possible collusion with the Republican presidential campaign.

The Republican President meets with the Republican director of the FBI and asks him whether he was a target of the investigation and requests that he end the FBI’s investigation of the Republican national security advisor.

The Republican President lets the Republican attorney general and the Republican deputy attorney general know that he is going to fire the Republican head of the FBI and asks them to prepare a written justification for that firing.

The Republican President fires the Republican director of the FBI, using a letter from the Republican attorney general and the Republican deputy attorney general as justification.

The Republican President then goes on national television and states that he had decided to fire the Republican director of the FBI before hearing from the Republican attorney general and the Republican deputy attorney general and that Russian investigation was a factor in that decision.

The Republican President meets with the Russian ambassador and discusses the firing of the Republican director of the FBI, calling him “a nut job” and noting that “I faced great pressure because of Russia. That’s taken off.”

A week after the Republican President fires the Republican director of the FBI, the Republican deputy attorney general announces the appointment of a prominent Republican as a special prosecutor to look into Russian interference with the election and possible collusion with the Trump campaign. Several Congressional Republicans hail the Republican special prosecutor as an ideal choice for the role.

The Republican special prosecutor moves quickly, and within five months files charges against the Republican former chairman of the Trump campaign, the Republican former deputy of the Republican former campaign chairman, the Republican former national security advisor, and the Republican foreign policy advisor to the Trump campaign. The Republican former national security advisor and the Republican foreign policy advisor plead guilty to lying to the FBI and agree to cooperate with the Republican special prosecutor by telling what they know about the activities of other Republicans.

Despite the Republican President repeated insistence that no one in his election team or administration had any contacts with the Russians, the following members of the Republican President’s team had meetings with the Russians before or after the election: the Republican President himself, the Republican son of the Republican President, the Republican Secretary of State, the Republican Secretary of Commerce, the Republican campaign manager, the Republican deputy of the Republican campaign manager, the Republican attorney general, three Republican foreign policy advisors, a Republican campaign advisor, the Republican President’s Republican lawyer, the Republican real estate advisor to the Republican President, and the Republican brother of the Republican Secretary of Education.

Which brings us to the critical juncture that we have reached today, when it is completely obvious to the entire world that there is zero substance to the Russian investigation, that the investigation has not accomplished a damn thing, that there was absolutely no contact between the Trump campaign and the Russians, that Trump will be completely exonerated, and that this whole mess is just another plot by the lame stream media and the traitorous Democrats to ensure that America never becomes great again. It's easy: All you have to remember is that it’s not a witch hunt if the Republicans are running it!

Secret plot to impeach Trump.jpg

TRUMP RESPONDS TO LAS VEGAS TRAGEDY BY BANNING TRAVEL TO NORTHERN EUROPE AND SCANDINAVIA AND REFOCUSING WALL EFFORT ON CANADIAN BORDER

Speaking from the White House in front of a group of Americans who have lost relatives to Anglo-Saxon terrorism, President Donald Trump announced sweeping new security measures in reaction to the horrific shooting last night in Las Vegas.

“My biggest job,” Trump stated, “is to keep America safe. Guns don’t kill people, so don’t give me that tired old stuff. Who are the people who are doing this killing? That’s the question. I am a businessman, and the way this businessman thing works—if you wanna be successful at it, and, believe me, I was phenomenally successful at it, some people say that I was the best at it—is that you have to know how to run the numbers. And when these numbers are run we see that the fact is—the mainstream media won’t tell you this, but I will—that Americans are ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE times more likely to be killed by a white American than by a foreign terrorist.”

The President condemned in the strongest possible terms radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism and the philosophy it represents. “We cannot let this evil continue,” Trump stated. “Nor can we let the hateful, perverted ideology of Anglo-Saxonism – its oppression of women, gays, children, and nonbelievers – be allowed to reside or spread within our own countries.”

Trump announced that he was taking the following steps to protect Americans:

Immediately instituting a total ban on travel between the United States and northern Europe and Scandinavia. “I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of Anglo Saxons entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.”

Shifting the focus of his border-wall effort from the southern border to the northern. “Since I was inaugurated,” said Trump, “I have learned—among other things, I have learned many things—that Canada is full of Anglo-Saxons and that they are pouring over our northern border. This stops TODAY.”

Taking the war on radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism to Anglo Saxon strongholds in the United States. “We’re going to hit them and we’re going to hit them hard,” Trump said grimly. “I’m talking about a surgical strike on these Anglo-Saxon stronghold cities using Trident missiles.” The White House later qualified that the first targets would be the ten most Anglo Saxon cities in the United States: Hialeah, Florida; Scottsdale, Arizona; Boise Idaho; Laredo, Texas; Lincoln, Nebraska; Gilbert, Arizona; Corpus Christi, Texas; El Paso, Texas; Madison, Wisconsin; and Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Bringing back torture. The President announced that he was authorizing the military and all intelligence agencies to use enhanced interrogation techniques on Anglo-Saxon prisoners. “Torture works--okay, folks? Believe me, it works. Just ask Jeff Sessions.”

Taking revenge on the families of Anglo-Saxon terrorists. “You have to take out their families,” Trump insisted. “They care about their lives, don’t kid yourself. When they say they don’t care about their lives, you have to take out their families.”

The President promised “total victory” in the war against radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism. “Americans have defeated other threats before—unions, science, universal health care, voting rights—and we’re going to defeat this one with a force and fury that the world has never seen.”

TRUMP RESPONDS TO LAS VEGAS TRAGEDY BY BANNING TRAVEL TO NORTHERN EUROPE AND SCANDINAVIA AND REFOCUSING WALL EFFORT ON CANADIAN BORDER

Speaking from the White House in front of a group of Americans who have lost relatives to Anglo-Saxon terrorism, President Donald Trump announced sweeping new security measures in reaction to the horrific shooting last night in Las Vegas.

“My biggest job,” Trump stated, “is to keep America safe. Guns don’t kill people, so don’t give me that tired old stuff. Who are the people who are doing this killing? That’s the question. I am a businessman, and the way this businessman thing works—if you wanna be successful at it, and, believe me, I was phenomenally successful at it, some people say that I was the best at it—is that you have to know how to run the numbers. And when these numbers are run we see that the fact is—the mainstream media won’t tell you this, but I will—that Americans are ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE times more likely to be killed by a white American than by a foreign terrorist.”

The President condemned in the strongest possible terms radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism and the philosophy it represents. “We cannot let this evil continue,” Trump stated. “Nor can we let the hateful, perverted ideology of Anglo-Saxonism – its oppression of women, gays, children, and nonbelievers – be allowed to reside or spread within our own countries.”

Trump announced that he was taking the following steps to protect Americans:

Immediately instituting a total ban on travel between the United States and northern Europe and Scandinavia. “I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of Anglo Saxons entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.”

Shifting the focus of his border-wall effort from the southern border to the northern. “Since I was inaugurated,” said Trump, “I have learned—among other things, I have learned many things—that Canada is full of Anglo-Saxons and that they are pouring over our northern border. This stops TODAY.”

Taking the war on radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism to Anglo Saxon strongholds in the United States. “We’re going to hit them and we’re going to hit them hard,” Trump said grimly. “I’m talking about a surgical strike on these Anglo-Saxon stronghold cities using Trident missiles.” The White House later qualified that the first targets would be the ten most Anglo Saxon cities in the United States: Hialeah, Florida; Scottsdale, Arizona; Boise Idaho; Laredo, Texas; Lincoln, Nebraska; Gilbert, Arizona; Corpus Christi, Texas; El Paso, Texas; Madison, Wisconsin; and Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Bringing back torture. The President announced that he was authorizing the military and all intelligence agencies to use enhanced interrogation techniques on Anglo-Saxon prisoners. “Torture works--okay, folks? Believe me, it works. Just ask Jeff Sessions.”

Taking revenge on the families of Anglo-Saxon terrorists. “You have to take out their families,” Trump insisted. “They care about their lives, don’t kid yourself. When they say they don’t care about their lives, you have to take out their families.”

The President promised “total victory” in the war against radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism. “Americans have defeated other threats before—unions, science, universal health care, voting rights—and we’re going to defeat this one with a force and fury that the world has never seen.”

Toxic Trump

Forget about the Black Death or Typhoid Mary. The most dangerous carrier of infection in the land today is Toxic Trump, a walking, politically radioactive isotope who destroys the immune systems of anyone unfortunate enough to enter his orbit.

Trump has done the poorest job of hiring folks to fill key administration jobs of any President in history, and his toxicity may make him fall further behind in this effort, as it seems to be shortening the shelf lives of the few minions who are in place.

Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was the first of Trump’s victims. According to his attorney, Flynn is excited to share “the story he has to tell.” (That’s shorthand for trying to shed his illness in favor of immunity by selling out his former colleagues.)

Vice President Pence has just hired a personal attorney and is already busy raising PAC donations to pay for his anticipated legal bills after being caught up in, or being an active participant in, “the Russian problem.”

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort and campaign advisors Carter Page, Roger Stone, Rich Gates and J.D. Gordon have all fallen victim to the grim malady “Putin’s Revenge” and are reportedly receiving emergency medical treatment at an undisclosed facility within the FBI.
Recent lab-test results for longtime Trump attorney and White House advisor Michael Cohen were so disturbing that the lawyer has hired his OWN lawyer.

Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner and Education Secretary Betsy Devos’ brother Erik Prince are showing symptoms, too. They are both reportedly under investigation due to meetings they had with Russians after the November election about establishing back-channel communications with Putin.

Given their daily interactions with a highly infectious supervisor, every member of Trump's White House staff has been ordered to submit urine and blood samples three times each day to the special prosecutor.

There may be a silver lining to Trump’s killing powers, as his victims include the leadership of the government agencies most likely to cause Trump legal problems—the Department of Justice, the heads of the intelligence agencies, and the Congressional committees.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions had to recuse himself from the Russian probe after his annual physical revealed that his close contact with Trump and the Russians had led him to be infected. Now it looks as if Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosenstein will also have to check into the Recusal Ward. Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe, National Security Agency Director Mike Rogers, and Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats were all so stricken due to their constant contact with Trump that they were rendered mute when they tried to testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee last week. CIA Director Mike Pompeo has been asked to turn over details of his conversations with Trump about the Russian investigation to Bob Meuller’s medical team. And House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes has been hospitalized after a psychotic episode resulting from repeated interactions with Trump.

What about the risk to Trump himself?

Trump and Typhoid Mary are examples of what the medical profession calls “asymptomatic carriers.” Such infected people have the power to sicken and possibly kill others, but are not themselves at risk of contracting the disease that they carry.

We don’t yet know what Trump’s fate will be, but we know what happened to Typhoid Mary. Mary Fallon, a restaurant worker who caused the deaths of between three and fifty people during the early 1900s, adamantly refused to believe she was a carrier of disease. She died alone, in quarantine.

Trump and Ryan at the bat

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Health Care Act that day;
Without the Freedom Caucus, the bill could not be saved.
The moderates were terrified by the COB’s grim score,
And the Democrats just sat there—they’d seen this all before.

The old and poor will have insurance, but at half their salary;
The rich will get a tax surprise beneath their Christmas tree.
This is the ultimate health care defined by Ayn Rand—
Make it rich or prepare to join the heavenly angel band.

But Ryan couldn’t hide the fact that premiums would rise,
And if you read the fine print you could not be surprised
That millions upon millions would lose the coverage they had,
Thanks to that damn Obama. Even gone he made them mad.

The pundits got their knives out and called the bill a joke.
Kasich and the governors said their red states would go broke.
But Republicans inhabit an imaginary realm,
And they were sure they would prevail with Trump and Ryan at the helm.

At first the lanky Speaker in a firm voice did intone
That no amendments would there be—the bill was set in stone.
But after Mrs. DeVos helped him with the math
He found he held a losing hand—to 215 there was no path.

Then from the mouths of Reagan’s party there rose a lusty yell
That rumbled through the Capitol like a war cry straight from hell.
McDonnell almost fainted and in delight Pete King did squeal
For Donald, mighty Donald, was stepping up to seal the deal.

He brought them to the Oval Office and twisted every arm;
He blew such smoke his handlers dismantled the alarms.
If they couldn’t bring themselves to like it they got his ironclad guarantee
That all would be made perfect in Phase Two if not Phase Three.

There was ease in Donald’s manner, he had no doubt he would astound
He knew not what was in the bill, but he would bring them ‘round
He would bless each change they asked for, it wasn’t like he cared
And as he caved and caved again, the pilgrims marveled at his hair.

The Freedom Caucus fumed against the socialistic stuff—
Maternity care and Medicaid—they called the Donald’s bluff.
“We will only cast our votes for right-wing thoughts purebred.”
“But what about the Senate?” Ryan asked. “Strike one,” the alt-right said.

As rightwards moved the legislation, the moderates complained.
“My district went for Clinton—why must I bear all the pain?
Who will pay for my robo calls and bury all the dead?”
“Grow a pair,” said Donald. “Strike two,” the moderates said.

The smile is gone from Ryan’s face, for there is no Plan B;
This Wednesday midnight meeting will bring his charges to their knees.
The Donald is beside him as they make their final pitches;
Winning is for men like them and losing is for bitches.

Oh, all across this favored land the many millions can exhale—
The Republican death panels at least for now will not prevail.
Let the word go forth to all of deadly TrumpCare’s rout
For there is no joy in Mar-a-Lago—Trump and Ryan have struck out.

Mighty Donald has struck out.jpg

Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus Acquired by Trump Circus

After 146 years in continuous operation, the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus is folding its tent. The iconic “Greatest Show on Earth” is being acquired by Trump Circus, a new company owned by Eric Trump that in no way is under the control of, or operates to the benefit of, the new President.

We interviewed Ricardo R. Ringling, the 24-year-old owner of Ringling Brothers, yesterday in his spacious tent in Sarasota, Florida. Mr. Ringling was, frankly, inebriated, and our interview was constantly interrupted by sobbing and/or angry employees stumbling in and out to either say their farewells to him or to curse his name.

“I’m willing to go hoof to hoof with the animal-rights weirdos. I’m game for competing against television, movies, video games and the Internet. Whatever. Bring it on. But there’s no way any circus can compete with the new President. No fucking way. How’s a three-ring circus gonna compete with a show that’s got, like, 300 rings all going on at the same time, twenty-four seven,” groused Mr. Ringling.

“To be honest with you, these Trumps don’t want any other circus competing with them. They showed up at the tent at 3:30 in the morning two days ago and gave me one of those offers I couldn’t refuse. A buyout. Ten cents on my every dollar. But I’m gonna say no? Are you kidding me? They would slap the IRS on me in a hot minute, and believe me, one audit and I’m dead. So now everything you see here is the property of Trump Circus, as of last night.” Trump Circus is a new company owned by Eric Trump that in no way is under the control of, or operates to the benefit of, the new President.

“We’re like one big, weird family here,” Mr. Ringling continued between swigs from a large decanter. “My main concern was what happens to the animals. And the clowns. And the acrobats. The animals are all going to good homes. We got rid of the elephants already—a couple of them went rogue, but most of them got gigs with the Republican National Committee last year. Fine, I say. Let those guys clean up after ‘em, for a change. The tigers are going to Ivanka Trump’s fashion business, I guess. Not sure what’s up with that. We were hoping that the chimps would get placed at Fox News, but none of them are blondes, so I think they’re gonna become anchors at the Russian Television Network. They’ll make monkeys outta those commies, believe me. Why, Mr. Muggles can ride a bicycle! That’s more than anybody at RTN can do, I’ll bet. The clowns are getting all kinds of LinkedIn offers from the new administration. Chuckles just dropped by this morning to tell me that he’s gonna get the Secretary of State gig ‘cause Rex Tillerson isn’t going down to well in the hearings. Elastic Girl, our contortionist, got hired as the new President’s press secretary. If you think Kellyann Conway is flexibile with the truth, wait’ll you see Elastic Girl in action. She’s the most popular girl in the troupe, and for good reason! The Flying Wallendas are packing it in—retiring. Trump Circus wanted them to perform without a safety net. That’s a damn shame. Anyway, it’s not my problem any more. Trump Circus will have to figure all of that out.” Trump Circus is a new company owned by Eric Trump that is in no way under the control of, or operates to the benefit of, the new President.

We asked Mr. Ringling if he had any advice for Eric Trump.

“Not really,” he mused. “I guess I would tell him to not get confused between the circus and the real world. The circus seems like non-stop fun, and it truly is great when the lights are on. You talk about ‘make America great again’? We were the Greatest Show on Earth for like a hundred years. We were IT, baby. We were huuuuuuge. Then the people got tired of us. And the libtards starting coming at us. Life wasn’t so much fun after that. You’d take the greasepaint off every night and look in the mirror and it’d hit you that the whole thing was just a big con. A big fraud. As hard as this is, deep down I’m glad to get off this goofy merry-go-round. Hey, what the hell. Best of luck to Trump Circus.”

Trump Circus is a new company owned by Eric Trump that is in no way under the control of, or operates to the benefit of, the new President. Its first public performance is scheduled for January 20th in Washington, D.C.

Trump Circus.jpg

The old-fashioned way

WASHINGTON, JANUARY 2, 2017: DONALD TRUMP TO REPORTERS: "IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT, WRITE IT OUT AND HAVE IT DELIVERED BY COURIER, THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY, BECAUSE I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, NO COMPUTER IS SAFE.”

I never woulda predicted how a new President would affect my chosen profession. Not in a kazillion years.

When I first started bein’ a bike messenger in D.C. back in the ‘80s, I couldn’t even begin to pedal fast enough to keep up with the business. Messages and packages was flyin’ all over the place, and we must’ve had fifty guys workin’ at just my company alone. And there was dozens of outfits, let me tell you.

Then in the ‘90s the computer showed up, email came in, and the all the tires went flat, if you get my metaphor. Overnight. By last year, we was down to just legal crap—papers that ya had to get signed and notarized—gift packages to the politicians’ girlfriends, and the occasional envelope stuffed with cash from K Street. There were about six of us left. We were a dyin’ breed, like the dinosaurs.

And then Trump gets in. This is where the irony comes in, ‘cause he won because of emails—Hillary’s secret shit that proved she was a child molester and all kindsa other awful stuff. A real monster, she was. Everybody’s sayin’ that Putin stole these emails off the Internet to throw the election to Trump.

But Trump’s not buyin’ it. This is when he showed me what a visionary he was. Most people think that to be a visionary you gotta be looking FORWARDS--to new stuff. That’s bullshit. REAL visionaries look BACKWARDS, because everybody older than ten understands that the old days were better. Just ask anybody. We all had work and everybody was happy. We had a system that everybody understood, and it worked. Then we lost our way as a society and everybody got dissatisfied and the eggheads and the computers started running the show. And then you have the lamestream media—Walter Cronkite and those know-it-alls who got us all confused.

Trump was the only politician who got this. The only one who saw that we had to go backwards so we could go forwards. He was way too smart to fall into the same email trap that that old bitch he beat fell into. So he calls a big fuckin’ press conference and says “Screw this computer stuff. It’s only confusing everyone. From now on, if it’s important, it goes by courier.”

Well, nobody believed he would pull it off, but nobody said anything against it, either. Everybody hates their computers. They never work right. And all that money for printer cartridges—what the fuck is with that? So he tapped into that adversity, and suddenly us bike messengers was back in business.

And I mean BACK IN BUSINESS. Within three fuckin’ months there was fourteen new courier companies. Every Federal building, including the goddamn White House, had a courier stand. Bikes lined up for blocks, just like the taxi stand at the fuckin’ airport, waiting for important secret messages in sealed envelopes. We’ve gone international, too. Half those secret documents go overseas, ya know. I flew business class to Moscow six times last year.

And it’s not just us bike messengers who are makin’ out like kings. My brother in law Eduardo works for Office Depot in Jersey and every time I see him, at Christmas or whatever, he’s telling me how the filing cabinets are flyin’ off the showroom floor. And paper—my god!—everything has to be in triplicate or fourplicate or fiveplicate, ya know. Those hanging file folders. Paper clips. Stamps and fuckin’ ink pads. That shit was just flyin’ off the shelf. ‘Course, by then it was all made in China. But if you worked at Office Depot like Eduardo, or you was a government secretary, you was happenin'.

It isn’t all peaches and cream for us couriers, though, I have to admit. Ya hafta wait a long time sometimes for the government folks to get the package ready for ya, and the receiving end is a freakin’ nightmare. You hafta bring back a receipt for every goddam agency. The State Department wants a receipt. The FBI wants a receipt. The NSA wants a receipt. Kellyanne Conway wants a receipt. So you gotta deliver all of them, too. Man, if people thought the government moved slow BEFORE, they’d flip if they saw it NOW. But, hey—it’s job security!

This whole racket has had a few setbacks recently, I have to admit. There was that guy—forget his name—who was stuffing all his top-secret deliveries into his closet and handing in phony delivery receipts. And—this wasn’t at my courier agency, mind you—they figured out a few months back that the Russians had hacked the text messages of a courier dispatcher and were using them to figure out where the secret messages were going and then stealing them the old-fashioned way—by using inside moles to make copies. So the microfiche guys have made a comeback, too!

So bringing back couriers hasn’t solved all the problems in the world, mind you, but with Trump’s backwards vision—I know several folks in the White House now that I’m there so often, and they say he’s NEVER used a computer—the bike courier business is great again, to coin a phrase!

Those folks in the White House tell me that Trump hates cell phones, too. Can’t wait to see how fast and how far he runs backwards on those goddam things. We’ll have pay phones again! Go ahead and laugh. Don’t underestimate this guy.