The speaker schedule for next week’s White Supremacist Party convention has been announced. Here’s the lineup:

Monday: Faith and Family Night

Invocation by the Rev. Ghislaine Maxwell

Kellyanne Conway sings the national anthem

Opening keynote: Satan—“The Cruelty Is The Point, You Fattened Sheep”

Jerry Fallwell, Jr.: “I Promise That I’ll Be Good From Now This Time for Sure—Please Give Me a Second Chance, Lord, For I Have No Real Skills”

Jeffrey Epstein (holographic image): “When They Go Too Old, We Go Too Young”

Melania Trump: “I Have Wrote This Speech My Own Self”

Donald Trump Jr.: “The Importance of Hard Work and AOC Is a Slut”

Ivanka Trump: “The Future of Branding and Brick-and-Mortar Retail in a World Run by Me and My Dad”

Eric Trump: “It’s Not Easy Being Me: Give Me the Chance To Bankrupt Something, Too”

Mike Pence and Mother Pence: “Loving Intimacy With Your Clothes On” 

Closing: President Donald J. Trump issues pardons to Ghislaine Maxwell, Kellyanne Conway, Jerry Falwell, Jr., Jeffrey Epstein (in memoriam), Donald Trump, Jr., Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, and Mike and Mother Pence as they kneel before him. 

 

Tuesday: Science Night

Flyover by the Red Angels (formerly the Blue Angels)

Invocation by the Rev. Clint Eastwood

That woman who called the cops on the black birdwatcher in Central Park: “Who But Donald Trump Can Save Us From Ornithology and MS-13?”

My Pillow guy: “Turns Out That the Cure for Coronavirus Is in That Can of Weird-Looking Blue Stuff in the Back of Your Garage Stuck Behind the Roundup—See My Website for Details”

Sheriff Joe Arpaio: “Smoking Out the Libtards: The Surprising Upside of the California Wildfires”

Louis Gohmert: “Viagra Safe Practices: The Voice of Experience”

Sean Spicer: “How To Accurately Measure Crowd Size”

Sean Hannity: “Who Says It Can’t Be Done? How To Build a Border Wall That Won’t Fall Over When the Wind Blows Really Hard”

Rudy Guiliani: “If Global Warming Is Real, What Exactly Is in Hunter Biden’s Ukrainian Safe Deposit Box?”

Heinrich Guttman (the last surviving Nazi concentration camp doctor): “Building on the Past: How the Chosen Race Can Replace Obamacare With What We Learned from Our Ingenious Experiments” 

Closing: President Donald J. Trump: “Everyone Is Calling and Telling Me That I Know More About Science Than Any of These Losers and I Aced Some Kind of Scientific Case, So Kiss My Ass”

 

Wednesday: Donald Trump Is Not a Racist Because He Donated to Kamala Harris’ Campaign and Because He Works Harder Than Any Other President to Make His Skin Darker, the Roll Call of the Red States 

Invocation by the Rev. Pat Robertson (in tasteful blackface)

Kanye West: “I Had to Go to the Hospital Because My Brain Was Too Big for My Skull”

Candace Owens: “Hitler Just Wanted Germany Great and To Have Things Run Well”

Diamond and Silk: “We’re the Land of the Free and the Brave, Not the Home of the Slaves”

Kanye West: “My Greatest Pain in Life Is That I Will Never See Myself Perform Live”

Candace Owens: “The Democrats Want Every Minority Group To Hate White Americans”

Diamond and Silk: “Get Off Your Ass and Get Yourself a Job Conning White People”

Kanye West: “Sometimes Not Giving a F—k Is Caring the Most”

Candace Owens: “George Floyd Being Held Up as a Martyr Sickens Me” 

Diamond and Silk: “What the Hell: Our Fox News Gravy Train Turned Out To Be Run by Racists”

That black guy who holds up the Blacks For Trump signs at the rallies: “I’m Just Trying to Make a Living Out Here”

The Roll Call of the Red States: President Donald J. Trump will win 117% of the votes cast and will be declared the official nominee of the White Supremacist Party

Mike and Mother Pence—”Lord Willing, We Will Still Be on the Ticket After the Ratings Come Out”

Closing: “Let This Be a Lesson to All Traitors”—Attorney General William F. Barr and NRA President Wayne LaPierre shoot rubber bullets at close range at the naked body of Jeff Sessions as they are cheered on by the entire Trump cabinet, followed by the biggest fireworks show the world has ever seen 

  

Thursday: The Crowning of Our Great Lord and Master

Invocation from the Rev. Mike Ditka

Kid Rock and Ted Nugent perform their original song, “Just Lie Back and Enjoy It”

Thirty-second video: “Suburban Woman (We Could Only Find One, and She Didn’t Have a Ton To Say) for Trump”

The Parade of Allies: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Recep Erdogan, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, and that crazy guy who runs the Philippines and likes to personally kill people all offer their sincere congratulations to President Donald J. Trump

In a live videocast from Mara-a-Lago, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo announces the establishment of DICTO, the new Dictatorships Treaty Organization, a new alliance for the furtherance of democratic dictatorships made up of the United States, Russia, North Korea, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, the Philippines, Burundi, Syria, Chad, Rawanda, and Equatorial Guinea

Donald Trump Jr.—“Just in Case Something Happens, I’ll Be Around in 2024”

Closing: President Donald J. Trump—“American Carnage II—Promises Made, Promises Kept”

Followed by the sealing off of Washington, D.C. by armed mercenaries, the ceremonial burning of the Post Office building, and a walk by President Trump to the Lincoln Memorial, where he will hand the 16th President a Sharpie-autographed copy of “The Art of the Deal” as very, very large tanks methodically destroy the streets of our nation’s capitol. Followed by a COVID-19 party on the Mall attended by the largest crowd in human history.