The White Supremacist QAnon Trump Terrorist Party’s shockingly inept attempt to elect a Speaker of the House from its own ranks took a dramatic turn last night with Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s announcement that she would be nominating Jesus Christ Himself as Speaker on the floor of the House today. In her statement, Greene, a self-described Christian Nationalist, said “We have always opened every House session with a prayer to Jesus Christ Himself, and given our failures over the past two weeks, it’s time to cut out the middleman and elect Jesus Christ Himself as Speaker.”

Anticipating questions about Jesus Christ Himself’s availability to fill that role, given that he has not been seen in public since his resurrection over 2,000 years ago, Greene revealed that her office, after receiving an anonymous tip one week ago, had been able to verify that Jesus Christ Himself had in fact returned to Earth in 2016 and since then had been living quietly in the Bronx, a borough of New York City. Greene also made the bombshell announcement that she had personally met with Jesus Christ Himself in New York City two days ago and had convinced him to fly to Washington D.C. today to hold a press conference at her office and meet with GOP members. (“He insisted on flying coach and paying for his ticket himself,” Greene revealed.)

As the nation’s capital anxiously awaited Jesus Christ Himself’s arrival, reporters descended on House parliamentarian Jason Smith to question him about whether Jesus Christ Himself would be eligible to assume the Speakership under the Constitution. Smith clarified that there are only two requirements specifically mentioned in the Constitution for assuming the role of Speaker: that one must be nominated by a House member and approved by a majority of House members.

Jesus Christ Himself’s press conference had to be moved to the much larger Rayburn Room in the Capitol after the entire GOP Congressional Caucus asked to attend and to have their photographs taken with him. Congressional Democrats were not allowed access to the press conference.

Congresswoman Greene began the press conference by introducing Jesus Christ Himself. Physically, the candidate in no way resembled how he has been depicted historically. A short, swarthy, man of Arab descent with piercing black eyes, Jesus Christ Himself was dressed casually in a denim jacket, a Tom Waits T-shirt, jeans, and sandals. He appeared to be lean and in good health. He exhibited some discomfort during Congresswoman Greene’s introduction, in which she noted that he had appeared in Washington at the behest of the White Supremacist QAnon Trump Terrorist Party, not the Democrats, and that her guest was “stoked” to assume a leadership role in the GOP and solve the Speaker crisis. Greene mentioned that she had attempted to get former President Donald Trump to attend the press conference with Jesus Christ Himself, but that her party’s presumptive 2024 Presidential nominee told her that he preferred that Jesus Christ Himself visit him at a later date in Mar-A-Lago.

Jesus Christ Himself looked uncomfortable as he took a place in front of the microphone at a makeshift podium emblazoned with a graphic of a tall, blue-eyed, and exceedingly muscular Jesus draped in the American flag and hurling thunderbolts at human figures clearly representing Hispanics and transgender people. Jesus Christ Himself announced that he would be dispensing with an opening statement and said that he would go directly to taking questions from reporters.

Asked why he had returned to Earth in 2016 after such a long absence, Jesus Christ Himself said that after reading in the media about the rise of hate groups around the globe during that time and what he perceived as their inappropriate invocation of his name and teachings, he had decided to return and once again try to set the right example for humanity. Jesus Christ Himself told reporters that he had earned a law degree from Fordham University and for the past four years had been working as a public defender in the legal system in the Bronx.

“I live simply,” he claimed. “A fourth-floor walk-up with no laundry in the building. My rent takes up more than half of my salary. What the hell happened to rent control in New York City, anyway? Is Eric Adams here? I wanted to ask him about that. Working as a public defender seemed like a great fit for me. The poor are blessed, and theirs is the kingdom of God. Dad anointed me to bring good news to the poor and to release the captives. Like I’ve always said, don’t go around judging people unless you’re ready to be judged yourself. And if you don’t forgive the crimes of others, the Old Man is not going to give you a break for yours.”

Asked about his knowledge of, and assumed support for, the GOP platform, Jesus Christ Himself commented, “Hey, they came to me. I didn’t come to them.”

What followed was a series of questions from reporters about the White Supremacist QAnon Trump Terrorist Party’s agenda.

Queried about the death penalty, Jesus Christ Himself was curt: “That one’s really pretty simple, people. We’ve been over and over this. Thou shalt not kill. Next question.”

That subsequent question concerned tax breaks for the tiny few who own most of the wealth. “Sheesh, do I really have to over this again?” asked Jesus Christ Himself. “This is Bible Basics 101. You can’t serve God and money. You don’t measure a person’s life by counting his possessions. Everybody’s frantically filling their homes with earthly treasures, but that stuff is only made to be destroyed by moths, vermin, and thieves. Elon Musk is going to have a rough time checking in upstairs when his number is called, I can tell you that. Look what he did to the Twitter shareholders! And those damn cars of his are literally running over the innocent.”

At this point, loud mutterings and shocked gasps had begun to emanate from the crowd of GOP notables surrounding the podium.

Asked if he was aware of the current highly polarized political situation, Jesus Christ Himself rolled his eyes and said, “Hey, back in the day we had to constantly triangulate between the Romans, the Pharisees, and the Sadducees. They were all grifters who preyed upon the poor and worked hard to use religion to keep everyone at each other’s throats, and in the end the only thing they worked together on was to nail me.”

A reporter shouted, “Which is the most Christian of the two political parties?” and Jesus Christ answered, “Whichever prays the least in public. If you feel the need to pray, for God’s sake go into the closet and shut the door.”

It was at this point that Rep. Paul Gosar grabbed the microphone and interposed his body between Jesus Christ Himself and reporters. Rep. Matt Gaetz and Rep. Green each took hold of Jesus Christ Himself’s arms, Rep. Lauren Boebert dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms tightly around his slim thighs, and the trio began struggling to remove their guest through a door in the back of the Rayburn Room. As he was led away, Jesus Christ Himself could be heard shouting plaintively, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! Sell your stuff and give it to the poor! Love your neighbors and your enemies! This is not rocket science, people!”

The GOP politicians could not contain their fury as they reacted to the chaotic scene and to Jesus Christ Himself’s controversial remarks.

“Jesus fucking Christ! Who the hell was that! Whoever he was, he was no Jesus. That was a RINO!” sputtered Rep. Kevin McCarthy.

“Hell, that was a JINO!” interjected Congressman Thomas Massie over McCarthy’s shoulder.

Even before she left the Rayburn Room, Marjorie Taylor Green had posted this on X: “Leave it to the communist Demoncrats to hatch a sickening conspiracy that involved hiring a pedophile impostor to mock our Lord and Saviour.”

Greene’s comment was one of the first of what became by late afternoon today a tsunami of threats against Jesus Christ Himself on social media, many of which called for him to be publicly crucified.

Jim Jordan also declared Jesus Christ Himself’s press conference to be a “hoax” and vowed to convene an investigative committee as soon as his party managed chose a new Speaker.

Fox News did not cover the press conference. Instead, the lead story on its web site was an unconfirmed report that Kamala Harris had paid a gang of Black homosexuals to steal classified documents and plant them inside a box of old Penthouse magazines in a bathroom in the private residence at Mar-A-Lago.

The whereabouts of Jesus Christ Himself are not currently known, although there have been reports that he and Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were seen laughing and having drinks together this afternoon at La Famosa, a Puerto Rican restaurant in downtown Washington, D.C.