Speaking from the White House in front of a group of Americans who have lost relatives to Anglo-Saxon terrorism, President Donald Trump announced sweeping new security measures in reaction to the horrific shooting last night in Las Vegas.

“My biggest job,” Trump stated, “is to keep America safe. Guns don’t kill people, so don’t give me that tired old stuff. Who are the people who are doing this killing? That’s the question. I am a businessman, and the way this businessman thing works—if you wanna be successful at it, and, believe me, I was phenomenally successful at it, some people say that I was the best at it—is that you have to know how to run the numbers. And when these numbers are run we see that the fact is—the mainstream media won’t tell you this, but I will—that Americans are ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE times more likely to be killed by a white American than by a foreign terrorist.”

The President condemned in the strongest possible terms radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism and the philosophy it represents. “We cannot let this evil continue,” Trump stated. “Nor can we let the hateful, perverted ideology of Anglo-Saxonism – its oppression of women, gays, children, and nonbelievers – be allowed to reside or spread within our own countries.”

Trump announced that he was taking the following steps to protect Americans:

Immediately instituting a total ban on travel between the United States and northern Europe and Scandinavia. “I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of Anglo Saxons entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.”

Shifting the focus of his border-wall effort from the southern border to the northern. “Since I was inaugurated,” said Trump, “I have learned—among other things, I have learned many things—that Canada is full of Anglo-Saxons and that they are pouring over our northern border. This stops TODAY.”

Taking the war on radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism to Anglo Saxon strongholds in the United States. “We’re going to hit them and we’re going to hit them hard,” Trump said grimly. “I’m talking about a surgical strike on these Anglo-Saxon stronghold cities using Trident missiles.” The White House later qualified that the first targets would be the ten most Anglo Saxon cities in the United States: Hialeah, Florida; Scottsdale, Arizona; Boise Idaho; Laredo, Texas; Lincoln, Nebraska; Gilbert, Arizona; Corpus Christi, Texas; El Paso, Texas; Madison, Wisconsin; and Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Bringing back torture. The President announced that he was authorizing the military and all intelligence agencies to use enhanced interrogation techniques on Anglo-Saxon prisoners. “Torture works--okay, folks? Believe me, it works. Just ask Jeff Sessions.”

Taking revenge on the families of Anglo-Saxon terrorists. “You have to take out their families,” Trump insisted. “They care about their lives, don’t kid yourself. When they say they don’t care about their lives, you have to take out their families.”

The President promised “total victory” in the war against radical Anglo-Saxon terrorism. “Americans have defeated other threats before—unions, science, universal health care, voting rights—and we’re going to defeat this one with a force and fury that the world has never seen.”